3 Reconciliation
All great spirituality
is about what we do with our pain.
– Richard Rohr
Reconciliation –whether with ourselves, others, the circumstances at hand, or the mystery of why things happen as they do — is an essential , but profoundly difficult part of the healing process. The outcome and nature of that process is often uncertain – and the suffering along the way can be overwhelming at times.
Spiritual care is particularly important in the midst of such “soul pain” (Simington, 2004). Being compassionately present to such pain, along with sources of hope and strength we can “soften suffering” and find openings for the reconciliation process to begin (Wright & Bell, 2021).
This chapter will explore the nature of reconciliation, the many associated difficulties, and some resources that may be supportive in navigating them.
Reconciliation
In the context of promoting and restoring well-being, reconciliation is the process of resolving important matters and/or finding ways to make peace with matters that are beyond our control (Rindfleisch, 2023; Scott Barss, 2012). Often, reconciliation is needed in terms of acceptance of the immediate crisis or circumstances at hand, so that one can eventually move into a health-promoting state of peacefulness and trust (Scott Barss, 2012). Reconciliation might also involve an identified need for healing or forgiveness within a relationship or oneself (Rindfleisch, 2023).
At a national level, we are (or need to be) engaged in much needed truth-telling and reconciliation in support of healing the harms done to Indigenous Peoples by colonization and related oppressive policies, both past and present (Truth & Reconciliation Commission of Canada). Senator Murray Sinclair speaks here of its meaning in that context:
What Is reconciliation? Senator Murray Sinclair Truth & Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC).
Reconciliation & Well-Being
Given the many spiritual needs associated with the process of reconciliation (to say nothing of the many unmet needs within every other dimension of health when individuals are abused, marginalized and oppressed), reconciliation (or lack thereof) can have a profound impact on individual, family, and communal well-being (Scott Barss et al, 2019). True reconciliation involves ‘making things right’ by making reparations when harm has been done and actively working to address injustices or inequities that compromise individuals’ or communities’ health (TRC, 2015; Yellowhead Institute, 2023).
Of note in the spirituality and health literature is strong evidence that forgiveness can improve health in individuals with a variety of physical and psychological conditions (Rindfleisch, 2023). The John Templeton foundation has invested significantly in related research. You may wish to download a copy of their related report:
The Science of Forgiveness_final.pdf (templeton.org)
Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous have recognized for decades how central spirituality is to the healing process. Each step involves inner work at a spiritual level, with several steps addressing the many facets of reconciliation:
The Twelve Steps | Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org)
Of course, the 12-step spiritual growth process can be used in the reconciliation process associated with any persistent or addictive pattern that compromises our well-being. The above website features many related resources, as do those of other Twelve Steps programs. In particular, you may wish to visit the below website for 12-step resources to support reconciliation in our relationships with ourselves and/or others:
Resources abound in support of forgiveness, grieving, and other forms of reconciliation. A few are included in Appendix C: References and Resources, in addition to the contemplative options below. In relation to the latter, several are provided, given the many life circumstances involving reconciliation and the many facets of reconciliation itself.
Contemplation & Community: Reconciliation
Some reflective questions to help discern what exploration is currently helpful or unhelpful for you:
Are there any unresolved issues you wish to explore at this time? If so, who and what can support you? If not, are there any support or resources you need to cope with the unresolve issue at hand?
Are there situations, choices, or actions of others in your life with which you cannot currently make peace? How does this influence your sense of well-being? What do you wish to do with this awareness?
Do you find yourself focusing on past choices or actions that you regret? How does this focus influence your sense of wellbeing? What do you wish to do with this awareness?
What does “reconciliation” mean to you? What would “reconciliation” look/feel like to you? What might be the benefits of reconciliation? The risks?
Do your current spiritual/religious/cultural traditions play a role in finding reconciliation? What do their teachings say about concepts like “reconciliation”, “forgiveness”,”non-attachment, “rebalancing”, or … ? Do they assist?/interfere? How so?
Have you found anything positive arising from your painful experiences (e.g., development of inner strengths you didn’t know you had; closer relationships; deeper trust; lessons learned; deeper appreciation for the good times; a sense of purpose or meaning, more creative coping? If so, how does/can this enhance your daily life amid the difficulties you face? If not, does it feel okay, for now, to grieve the losses associated with your difficulties?
What/who can sustain you until you feel more hopeful/peaceful? Do you see yourself being able to feel more hopeful/peaceful? If not, who/what might be helpful in being able to envision that possibility?
If this is a vulnerable time for you, it is essential to reach out for support.
Wherever you are located … a call to …
… 811 can help you/others connect with the many supports available.
… 9ll or 988 can connect you to support if it is needed urgently.
Keeping in mind what you have discerned in the above exploration, you may or may not wish to view/listen to some or all of the following options now. Consider whether you would find it helpful to explore the resource(s) with a trusted friend, family member or companion/mentor. Trustworthy support is essential if you know the selected resource addresses painful issues that ‘hit close to home’ right now.
(Again, several resource options are included so that every one can use only what is currently helpful.)
All There Is with Anderson Cooper – Podcast on CNN Audio (Several conversations about learning to live with grief and a wide variety of losses)
I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2 – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)
Please note:
- You may wish to skip the first 2 1/2 minutes that focuses on a sponsor’s charitable contributions.
- The interviewer’s authentic communication style involves occasional use of profanity that could be offensive to some. If this is your experience, you may prefer to skip this podcast.
- If the above podcast/topic resonates strongly with you, Part 2 is at the same link.
